Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
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Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Dune (2021)
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.