Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
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Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.