[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
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Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”