Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
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Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.