the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
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My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.