Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
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Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
not seeing the problem
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.