T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
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I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
The Assassin.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.