Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
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[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I need to update my racial profile.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin