I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
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Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Cause of death: Zumba
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…