Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
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I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Thursday
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.