“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
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I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
sugar glider wrangler
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her