Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
You Might Also Like
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”