If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
You Might Also Like
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Breaking news:
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
#damn
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.