Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
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Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Brilliant!
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.