Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
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People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants