one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
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My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume