My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
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nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
This is a bad sign
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?