Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
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Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing