Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
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Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.