My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
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[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria