Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
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If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Oceanography is all about current events
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
wow
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.