Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
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Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.