There is so much going on in this video β¦ I donβt know who to focus on πππ hilarious
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Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and itβs for the townβs protection.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call youβ¦Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
U talkin 2 me?
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger thatβs still deciding what to wear.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Why soy sad?
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?