Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
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[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Bond. Trauma bond.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.