My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
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What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*