Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
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Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Battery falling down a hole
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.