So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
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You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!