Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
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I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.