my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
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I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep