I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth