[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
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sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
courtroom exchange of the day
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.