what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
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We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I think this cat is broken
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I came this close!!!!
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.