ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
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[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.