Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
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The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Expect the unexporcupine.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
If you breakdance you buy dance.
quarantine day 3
i wish i could marry a nap
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you