philosophical skeletons be like
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me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I am HOWLING at this
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Lmbo
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor