Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
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“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.