To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
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BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.