What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
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I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?