HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
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*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake