Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
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Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it