I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
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I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now