*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
You Might Also Like
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
“Wait, let me explain..”
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?