me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
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I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.