You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
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ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
584.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards