When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
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This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out