i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
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“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
The Sun
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
*Seductively hides in the woods