[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
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the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son: