If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
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a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.