walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
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Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard