It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
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Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool